11. The second six signs you might lack healthy boundaries

Do you constantly experience relationship challenges? Or would you rather stay alone at home because being with people has become exhausting? You might not have relationship issues but boundary issues instead.

Tune into today's episode to find out if it's a relationship or boundary issue and learn about the second six signs (out of twelve) to distinguish if you need to install healthy boundaries or uplevel your social skills. You'll be surprised how often a missing boundary strains your relationships.

If you want to learn to set healthy boundaries, grab my free checklist that guides you through the whole boundary-setting process - it's free!

Grab it here https://nadjahagen.com/healthy-boundaries-checklist

Transcript

Nadja Hagen [00:00:14]:
Are you ready to go from am I good enough to is this good for me? Welcome to the Self Love sessions podcast. I'm your hostess, Nadja Hagen, and I'm the self love coach for ambitious women recovering from people pleasing and starting to laugh the heck out of themselves. The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. It sets the tone for all other relationships in your life and your overall quality of life. It's worth cultivating. In the Self Love sessions podcast, I share nuggets of wisdom on setting healthy boundaries, prioritizing your needs without shame and guilt, and building relationships that enrich your holding life, starting with the one you have with yourself. Let's dive into today's episode. Have you ever wondered why your communication with other people sucks? You might have already studied communication in detail and you have learned about different communication styles and non violent communication and all this stuff.

Nadja Hagen [00:01:27]:
And still you're running into challenges when you're communicating with some people and you're running into challenges on a constant basis with them. Maybe, just maybe, you don't have any communication issues at all. Maybe it's a boundary issue. And this is exactly the reason why I record today's episode. Last week I've shared with you the first six signs that you might lack healthy boundaries, and today I share with you the second to make a twelve altogether. But you know what? So often people think they have relationship issues or communication issues when in fact you have boundary issues or lacking proper boundaries, which is causing all the issues that you associate with communication or relationship skills. It's worth a thought, isn't it? This is the exact reason why I'm sharing these twelve indicators with you that show you that you might lack healthy boundaries if you know them, if you're aware of them, and if you can recognize them in your own life, you might come to the conclusion that it's not your communication you need to work on, but your boundaries. Because you know, and I speak of experience here, it's so frustrating to work on your communication to improve your communication skills and still see no improvement in your relationships.

Nadja Hagen [00:03:03]:
It seriously frustrated the hell out of me because I noticed at the end it has never been about my communication. It was always about me not setting proper boundaries or setting boundaries and then let them be overstepped as if they have never been there in the first place. We are about to change this, so let's dive into the second part of the twelve signs that indicate you might lack healthy boundaries. One clear sign is that you are caught in victimhood when you do not set proper boundaries or you let them be overstepped continuously, then you have more people taking advantage of you in your environment than you would have with proper boundaries. So that means that people are betraying you and that you are hard done by others in life or in your current circumstances. Perhaps you have experienced mobbing at work, felt overlooked in your family, or been asked for an ear to listen by friends over and over and over again. But when you have a story to share, nobody's there to listen to you. If these experiences feel familiar, this might be a boundary issue.

Nadja Hagen [00:04:23]:
Can you see that your own behavior, in this case, not setting proper boundaries and not guarding your mental energy, your time, your space, that this can invite people to overstep boundaries. And with that, I do not mean that we, when we are on the receiving end of our boundaries, being overstepped, that we are guilty of other people's behavior. We are definitely not. Not at all. What I mean by inviting this is that there are some people who have naturally very high standards in their own behavior, who respect other people's boundaries, who are polite, who are friendly, who are helpful by nature. But there are also people who try and test over and over again like children do. It's cute, and it's normal when a three year old does it. It isn't anymore when an adult does it.

Nadja Hagen [00:05:22]:
But some adults haven't learned this and recognized this yet. So we need to deal with these people. And these are exactly the people that you invite to test even more when you don't set a proper boundary, which is no excuse for the behavior they are showing up with. The point I want to make here is that if you do not set your boundaries, you make it so much easier for people to test you so much more often than they normally would, and then as necessary. So if you start setting and implementing boundaries, you might not tolerate this behavior anymore. And this can be your catapult out of the circle of victimhood into empowerment. Sounds good. Yeah, I know.

Nadja Hagen [00:06:08]:
Setting boundaries is a really cool thing. And, you know, the benefits are just huge. Are you ready for the next indicator? Okay, here we go. You're a little bit annoyed most of the time. Do you know this feeling? Nothing had really happened, but you're feeling this little bit annoyed, this little bit of annoyance. I knew this feeling pretty well, and I wasn't able to determine why I felt this way. But if you're thinking that people are taking advantage of you, or the people mobbing you, or that people are not treating you with the respect you deserve, then of course you are annoyed, of course. I mean, everybody would be annoyed in this situation, right? It's totally understandable.

Nadja Hagen [00:06:57]:
You feel like this because you're being taken advantage of, and it's no wonder you're annoyed. Does something click here? Does this sound familiar? Okay, let me share with you the next indicator. This is if you feel disrespected, at least a little bit. You know, the thing with boundaries is that there are these huge red flags where we all know absolutely and 100% for sure that a boundary has been crossed. But then there is the contrary to the situations where maybe a boundary was crossed. Maybe it wasn't intentionally. Maybe the other person didn't notice. Maybe it was just fun.

Nadja Hagen [00:07:45]:
Do you know this? Does this sound familiar? Especially the fun part, when you make jokes about another person that are actually not funny but immolating, that's a boundary being overstepped. And even though a lot of people might find this funny, it actually is not really funny to make a joke of the shoulders of another human being. That's respectless. At least that's how I see it. And, you know, I think there are so many funny things. There are so many lovely and kind ways we can make fun with each other and even about each other in a very respectful environment and loving way. So we don't need these things here. This is a behavior that can definitely be changed, and you won't lose any fun in your life at all.

Nadja Hagen [00:08:35]:
Boundaries are a powerful tool, and they teach others what you tolerate and how you want to be spoken to. So if you don't set them properly, others may treat you in a way that don't align with your standards. Sometimes people become less attentive when they know someone isn't standing up for themselves. You might be treated less than you deserve. If you are treated below your standards, you feel disrespected. And remember, setting and maintaining your boundaries is a key component in earning respect. There is this saying, disrespect closes doors that apologies can't reopen. And nothing could be more true than this.

Nadja Hagen [00:09:18]:
I personally understand the concept that people test out boundaries and that they see how far they can go with me or with you. This is just part of the normal human behavior. Even though I do not like and appreciate this behavior, I understand it, and I'm okay with it if it happens within certain boundaries. But it's not something I will tolerate on an ongoing base. You know, if we are just in the process of getting to know each other, this might be part of the getting to know each other. To test out what is funny for this person. How far can I go? Is this person helpful? Whatever it is. But if we are friends already, if we are well acquainted over a certain period of time, I don't want you to test my boundaries anymore.

Nadja Hagen [00:10:08]:
You can be open, you can be direct. You can ask me anything. This is how I want to be treated. And, you know, it's up to you and to everybody to determine how far is far enough or how far is too far. You are in the driver's seat here. You can decide what you tolerate and what you don't. And there is no standard, there is no guideline, and no rule that is telling you you have to tolerate this. People are very different.

Nadja Hagen [00:10:36]:
And some people are totally okay with things that are already like a catastrophe to others. And that's totally okay. You can choose your boundaries as you like and as they are doing you good. It's that easy. I have another sign to share with you, and this one might hurt. I'm sorry, but I need to share it anyway. You're passive aggressive. Ouch.

Nadja Hagen [00:11:06]:
This one hurts to hear. I'm sorry, but I must express this openly. Awareness is the first step in healing and fixing boundary issues. And you are not a bad person. If you notice this behavior in you. First you let other people take advantage of you. Then you try to gain your power back by manipulating them and getting back the energy you lost by giving away too much without any exchange. This manipulation looks like complaining or nagging or blatantly demanding something.

Nadja Hagen [00:11:40]:
Even pushing a little bit is still demanding, even if it's mask in an intention of only wanting the best. Yeah, yeah, I know that you know what I'm talking about. So if you notice and observe this behavior in yourself, be kind to yourself. You can change this. Absolutely. And it's much easier than you think. Here comes the next sign. You wonder who you really are.

Nadja Hagen [00:12:08]:
And this sounds so simple, but it's a big one. After years of people pleasing, I was asked, what's your favorite flower? And I instantly said, oh, sunflowers. Because my mom always said that sunflowers are so beautiful because they are so yellow and bright and their color brings so much joy. But was it actually my favorite flower? I mean, I love flowers in general. I love sunflowers, I love tulips, I love roses. I love so many flowers. But a sunflower even I love it is definitely not my favorite flower. And it took me really some time and thought to find this out.

Nadja Hagen [00:12:50]:
And I felt embarrassed when I found out. But I was so much focused to please and comply with other people's standards that I completely lost myself. So if you recognize yourself in this, rest assured this can be healed. Absolutely. And I'm the best example of it. I have one last sign to share with you. Are you ready? Okay, here we go. You're afraid of being rejected or abandoned.

Nadja Hagen [00:13:22]:
And this in general is a common feeling. We as humans, we are designed to live in community, to be loved, to be supported, to love and to support. So being abandoned and being rejected is a natural fear we have. And the question here is not if you experience this from time to time. The question is if you navigate your decisions in life with this fear in the back of your mind. You know these fears, they stem from childhood. If you had a caregiver who didn't provide unconditional love and support, then you might feel this fear crippling up in certain situations. You needed to behave in a certain way to gain love, to be granted support and approval, and to be acknowledged as being a part of the community.

Nadja Hagen [00:14:19]:
And if this had happened in your childhood, these are patterns and feelings that are deeply ingrained within us, within our experience, our mind, our soul and our bodies. Even so, when you meet a similar situation now, these emotions get triggered and the fear is much bigger in the real feelings world. So I don't say that it's not as big as you feel it, but the chances of it coming to reality are much smaller than the fear will make you believe. Does this make sense? I hope so. You have learned these behaviors through a parent who was pleasing all along. That's another way how we can take over this pattern. If you have one parent being of service to the family and the other parent all of the time, and at the same time denying their own needs, then you might have just learned this behavior as good behavior, as a part of behavior, as normal behavior, as a mom or as a dad or within a family. So to keep the peace, these people make things work and they show how much they care.

Nadja Hagen [00:15:36]:
Even if underlying they would have needed to talk about certain things. So keeping the peace is not always a good thing. In general, being peaceful is awesome, but you need to keep the peace while respecting your boundaries and your own well being. Sacrifice yourself for peace is never a good idea. And it's not peace. In fact, it just shows up as peace. It's, you know, it's something wrapped in nice gift paper. But when you unpack it, it's not the gift within that you expected and that it was labeled.

Nadja Hagen [00:16:17]:
Because this is not peace. It's something that should appear as peace, but it's actually unresolved conflicts, quite different from peace. In this episode and in last week's episode, I've shared with you twelve signs that might indicate a lack of boundaries in your life. And you know, I share them because sometimes we feel that something is off, but we would never think that it's a boundary or missing boundaries in our life that causes these issues in the first place. So we are looking in all the wrong places to fix these issues without much success. How frustrating. Now, you know, are the twelve signs that indicate that you might lack healthy boundaries. Have you recognized yourself in some of them? Then it's time to start to fix them.

Nadja Hagen [00:17:14]:
If you want to get more information about how to set healthy boundaries and prioritize yourself without feeling shame or guilt, then I invite you to work with me. Check out my services under nadyahagen.com. Work with me. That's a long one, isn't it? Nadja Hagen work with me. You will find everything about my services and my offers there, how to get one on one coaching and fix these issues for good and once and for all. You will also find all the information about my courses. And here comes a little spoiler. Probably in the summer.

Nadja Hagen [00:18:00]:
The launching date isn't fixed yet, but I will launch a new course, a course that teaches you everything about boundaries. Everything to identify where you need boundaries in your life, how to communicate boundaries in a clear and kind way, how to take care that they are being respected and how to react if they aren't. This is just some of the things I teach you. It's much more. It's my biggest and most compact course about boundaries and I think the most comprehensive course you will find on the whole Internet. Sounds exciting. Cool. Then head over to nadjahagen.com boundariesminus with confidence.

Nadja Hagen [00:18:44]:
You will learn everything about the course there and you can subscribe to the waitlist so that you are the first one to be notified when I finally launch the course and you wont miss on the early Bird offers thank you for listening to todays episode. I truly hope that you had some ahas and gained some information that helps you fix your boundary issues and I talk to you in the next episode. Thank you for listening to today's episode. If you found this valuable, please give a five star rating and tell other women that this show is worth listening to. I talk to you in the next episode.