20. Say No, Choose You: Self-Love and Boundary Basics

Healthy boundaries are key to living a life rooted in self-love, yet they can feel challenging to establish. In Say No, Choose You: Self-Love and Boundary Basics, we break down what healthy boundaries really look like and how you can confidently say "no" without guilt. You’ll learn practical scripts for setting boundaries and responding to push-back, all while prioritizing your self-love and peace of mind. Tune in and discover how honoring your boundaries is the ultimate way to choose yourself.

Transcript

Nadja Hagen [00:00:09]:
Are you ready to go?

Speaker B [00:00:10]:
From Am I good enough to wait? Is this even good enough for me? Welcome to the Self Love Sessions podcast.

Nadja Hagen [00:00:19]:
I'm Nadja Hagen, your hostess and Self.

Speaker B [00:00:21]:
Love coach for all your high achieving women recovering from people pleasing and ready to prioritize yourselves. In this show, I share actionable tips.

Nadja Hagen [00:00:31]:
And tools to help you set healthy.

Speaker B [00:00:33]:
Boundaries and prioritize yourself so that you can intentionally build your life aligned with your values and finally build mutual, connected relationships without the need to pretend to be someone you're not. Let's dive into today's episode.

Nadja Hagen [00:00:52]:
Hey there and welcome back to another episode of the Self Love Sessions podcast. Hello, I'm Nasja Haag and I'm your guide to all things self love, personal growth and living life authentically. Today we are diving into a topic that's close to my heart and so transformative. Can you guess what it is? Yeah, you probably can. In the meantime, we gonna talk about setting healthy boundaries. I'm so excited. So if you've ever struggled to say no without feeling guilty or you found yourself putting everyone else's needs before your own, this episode is for you. By the end of our time together, you walk away with practical scripts for saying no with confidence, a deeper understanding of what healthy boundaries really look like, and tools to let go of guilt when you're putting yourself first.

Nadja Hagen [00:01:43]:
So grab your favorite drink, get comfy, and let's dive in. Let's start with a question. What comes to mind when you hear the word boundaries? For many, it might sound restrictive or even selfish, but here's the boundaries are one of the most loving things you can give yourself and the people around you. When you set a boundary, you are I respect myself enough to prioritize my needs, and I respect you enough to be clear about what I can do and and can't do. It's not about shutting people out. It's about showing up fully and authentically in your relationships without resentment or burnout. And at the heart of all this self love, when you love yourself, you recognize that your time, energy and well being are precious. Boundaries aren't just about saying no to others.

Nadja Hagen [00:02:43]:
They are about saying yes to yourself. This is so important because as high achieving women, we are often conditioned to believe that our worth comes from how much we can give to others. We are praised for being helpful, for being reliable, for being the person who always says yes. But where does that leave us? Often it leaves us drained, resentful and disconnected from our own needs. So today I want you to think about one area in your life where you have been over giving. Maybe it's at work when you are the one who is always up and volunteers for an extra task. Maybe it's in your family where you are the go to person to solve any problem. Or maybe it's with your friends where you say yes to plans even when you're exhausted.

Nadja Hagen [00:03:34]:
Wherever it is, I want you to know this. It's okay to say no. It's okay to choose. You take a moment to breathe that in. Saying no is not rejection, it's redirection. It's a way of honoring your path and ensuring that you're showing up as your best self, not a depleted, overwhelmed version of you. Let's talk about some of the biggest myths around boundaries because I know they can hold a lot of us back. So Myth one Boundaries are selfish this is such a common misconception and I want to challenge it head on.

Nadja Hagen [00:04:14]:
When you think about boundaries as an act of self love, you realize they are not selfish at all. Imagine pouring from an empty cup. It's impossible, right? Setting boundaries ensures that you've replenished your cup so you can show up for others in meaningful ways without resentment. Boundaries hurt relationships. That's a strong one. Here's the Healthy relationships thrive on clear communication and mutual respect. When you set a boundary, you are not pushing people away, you are inviting them to understand and honor your needs. In fact, boundaries often strengthen relationships because they remove confusion and resentment.

Nadja Hagen [00:05:09]:
You'll be seen as difficult or unkind if you set boundaries. This is a big one too. This is a fear rooted in paper pleasing. And I get it. I've been there. But let me tell you, the people who truly care about you will respect your boundaries. And the ones who don't, that's a reflection of their own issues, not yours. Right now I'd love for you to take a moment and reflect.

Nadja Hagen [00:05:40]:
What's one boundary you know you need to set but have been avoiding? Maybe it's saying no to a demanding client. Maybe it's carving out time for yourself on weekends. Whatever it is, just write it down or say it aloud. Acknowledging it is the first step toward action. Now let's talk about what healthy boundaries really look like. They are not walls that keep people out. They are in fact bridges that allow for mutual respect and understanding. Here are a few signs that you are setting healthy boundaries.

Nadja Hagen [00:06:16]:
The first sign you are clear and direct about your needs without over explaining. The second sign is that you feel less resentment and you feel more peace in your relationships. The third sign is you are able to say no without guilt or fear of losing someone's approval. For example, imagine a friend asks you to help them move on. Your only day off. You are exhausted and really need to recharge. A healthy boundary might sound like this I'd love to help, but I need this day to rest. Let's figure out another way I can support you.

Nadja Hagen [00:06:56]:
Notice how that response is kind, clear and rooted in self love. You're honoring your needs while still offering support, and that's the magic of boundaries. But let's go even deeper. Healthy boundaries are not just about the big moments when you have to say no to a friend or colleague. They are also about the small everyday decisions you make to protect your time and energy. For example, setting a boundary might look like turning off work emails after 6pm so you can be fully present with your family. It can look like saying no to a last minute invitation because you need some alone time to recharge. It can also look like speaking up when someone's behavior makes you uncomfortable rather than staying silent to keep the peace.

Nadja Hagen [00:07:43]:
Each of these actions is a way of I value myself and I'm not afraid to protect my peace and that, my friend is self love in action. Now for the part you've been waiting Practical Scripts for Saying no with Confidence Saying no can feel uncomfortable, especially if you're a people pleaser or worry about disappointing others. But remember, every no you say to something that drains you is a yes to your own well being. And it's a yes to something that you want to have in your life. Here are a few scripts you can use. You can use the gentle no it looks like thank you for thinking of me, but I'm not able to commit to that right now. You can use the redirect. I can't help with that, but I know someone who might be able to.

Nadja Hagen [00:08:34]:
Or you can use the boundary reminder I've made a commitment to and here you insert your priority like family time or self care. So you say, I've made a commitment to whatever, so I'll have to pass this time. Let's expand these examples with more real life situations. Imagine you're at work and your boss asks you to take on an additional project when your plate is already full. A confident boundary setting response could I appreciate you trusting me with this, but my current workload won't allow me to give this the attention it deserves. Can we revisit this after I've wrapped up my current priorities? Or let's say a friend invites you to a weekend getaway but you've been craving a quiet weekend to recharge. That sounds like so much fun. But.

Nadja Hagen [00:09:27]:
But I need this weekend to rest and take care of myself. Let's plan something soon that works for both of us. Notice how these responses are clear, kind, and don't leave room for misinterpretation. The key is to keep your tone warm and your message firm. This balance will help you stay true to yourself while maintaining positive relationships. But what about those moments when people push back? Maybe they say, oh come on, it's just one little thing, or you're really going to say no to me. This is where your confidence comes into play. You can calmly reiterate your boundary.

Nadja Hagen [00:10:07]:
I hear you and I know this might be disappointing, but I have to prioritize what's best for me right now. Remember, standing firm in your boundaries is an act of self respect. One way to build your confidence is to practice these scripts in front of a mirror or with a trusted friend. The more you rehearse, the more natural it will feel when the moment comes to say no. You'll also notice that over time, people start to respect your boundaries more because they see that you respect yourself. Let's address the elephant in the room. Guilt. It's so common to feel guilty when setting boundaries, especially if you're used to putting others first.

Nadja Hagen [00:10:52]:
But here's the thing. Guilt is just a sign that you're stepping out of your comfort zone. And that's where growth happens. To overcome guilt, it's helpful to reframe your thinking. Instead of focusing on what you're taking away from someone, focus on what you're giving to yourself. You are giving yourself the space to rest, recharge, and show up as your best self. And in the long run, that benefits everyone around you. Let's dig deeper into this with a practical exercise.

Nadja Hagen [00:11:25]:
So think about a recent situation where you felt guilty after setting a boundary. Maybe you said no to attending a family event because you needed some alone time. Write down exactly what made you feel guilty. Was it fear of disappointing others? Worry about being judged. Once you have identified the source of your guilt, challenge it. Is this guilt coming from a genuine place? Or is it based on an unrealistic expectation I've placed on myself? Another powerful way to overcome guilt is to remind yourself of your why. Why did you set that boundary? Maybe it was to protect your mental health, to spend more quality time with your kids, or to pursue a personal goal. Keeping your why front and center can help you stay grounded and confident in your decision.

Nadja Hagen [00:12:19]:
And finally, give yourself Permission to let go of guilt. It's okay to prioritize yourself. It's okay to not be everything to everyone. Repeat after me My needs matter and I'm allowed to honor them. Let's take it a step further with a real life example. Imagine you've just told a friend you can't meet up because you're overwhelmed with work. Instead of dwelling on the guilt, you might say to by saying no, I'm creating space to finish my work and reduce my stress. This is a loving choice for me.

Nadja Hagen [00:12:55]:
Or if a family member reacts negatively to a boundary, remind yourself their feelings are completely valid, but so are mine. Setting this boundary is an act of self love and respect. For my own needs, I am allowed to prioritize my well being. Now let's talk about some practical scripts. If someone keeps pushing after you've already set a boundary, you can use the reaffirming script. You can say something. It's for when someone tries to convince you to change your mind. You can say something like I hear what you're saying and I understand this is important to you, but I've made my decision and it's what's best for me right now.

Nadja Hagen [00:13:34]:
I hope you can respect that. You can use the empathetic but firm script. That's for when someone reacts emotionally to your boundary. You can say something. I understand this might be disappointing or frustrating for you, and I care about how you feel. At the same time, I need to prioritize what's right for me. I hope we can find a way to move forward respectfully. Or you can use the Boundaries about Boundaries script.

Nadja Hagen [00:14:02]:
This is for when someone repeatedly pushes past your boundary. You can say something. I've already explained my decision and I'm not comfortable revisiting it. I need you to respect this boundary as it's not up for discussion anymore. Notice how these scripts are firm yet kind. They communicate your needs without being defensive or apologetic. Finally, let's address the guilt that often comes with setting boundaries. When you start to feel that familiar pang of discomfort, try this mindset.

Nadja Hagen [00:14:35]:
I'm not responsible for managing other people's reactions to my boundaries. My responsibility is to honor my needs and show up authentically. By reframing guilt as a sign that you're stepping into self love, you can move forward with more confidence and less self doubt. So the next time you find yourself hesitating to say no, remember, saying no isn't about rejection. It's about connection. Connection to yourself. Connection to your values and the life you truly want to create as we wrap up today's episode, let's take a moment to reflect on what we've covered. We've explored why boundaries are acts of self love, debunked common myths that hold us back, and looked at practical examples of what healthy boundaries look like in action.

Nadja Hagen [00:15:25]:
You've learned scripts for saying no with confidence, and ways to reframe guilt when it arises. Most importantly, I hope you are walking away with a renewed sense of permission to choose yourself to protect your energy, honor your needs, and live authentically. Remember, every time you set a boundary, you are practicing self love. You're telling yourself and the world that you matter and that's a powerful thing. Thank you for spending this time with me today. If you found this episode helpful, I'd love for you to share it with a friend or leave a review. And don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss future episodes. Until next time, take care of yourself and keep choosing you.

Speaker B [00:16:06]:
Thank you for tuning into today's episode.

Nadja Hagen [00:16:09]:
If you're ready to dive deeper into.

Speaker B [00:16:11]:
Setting boundaries, knowing exactly when and how to communicate them so they stick, I've got something for you. Head over to nadiahagen.com boundaries checklist and.

Nadja Hagen [00:16:26]:
Grab your free 8 Steps to Healthy.

Speaker B [00:16:29]:
Boundaries checklist for high achieving women so you feel confident in every interaction. This is my thank you for listening.

Nadja Hagen [00:16:36]:
And a way to keep supporting you beyond the self love sessions.

Speaker B [00:16:40]:
I can't wait to chat again in the next episode.