26. Self-Love & Relationships: How to Heal from People-Pleasing Trauma

Are you constantly putting others first, struggling to say no, or feeling guilty for setting boundaries?

People-pleasing isn’t just about being “nice” - it’s often a deeply ingrained survival response, rooted in past experiences that taught you to earn love through self-sacrifice. But here’s the truth: You don’t have to keep everyone happy to be worthy of love.

In this powerful episode, we dive deep into:
✨ The hidden trauma behind people-pleasing - and why it’s so hard to break free
✨ How to rewire your nervous system to feel safe prioritizing yourself
✨ Practical self-love strategies to build confidence, set healthy boundaries, and create authentic relationships

You’ll walk away with a clear roadmap to heal, set boundaries with confidence, and cultivate deep self-love - without guilt or fear.

Because real self-love isn’t just about bubble baths and affirmations - it’s about trusting yourself, honoring your needs, and showing up as your most authentic self in every relationship.

🎧 Hit play now and start your journey to self-love, confidence, and fulfilling relationships. 💛

Heal your people-pleasing patterns on a deep emotional level: www.nadjahagen.com/coaching

Join a free community of women on the same healing journey: https://www.facebook.com/groups/selfloveandboundariesmastery

Transcript

Nadja Hagen [00:00:09]:
Are you ready to go? From Am I good enough to wait? Is this even good enough for me?

Nadja Hagen [00:00:16]:
Welcome to the Self Love Sessions podcast.

Nadja Hagen [00:00:19]:
I'm Nadja Hagen, your hostess and Self love coach for all your high achieving women recovering from people pleasing and ready to prioritize yourselves. In this show I share actionable tips and tools to help you set healthy boundaries and prioritize yourself so that you can intentionally build your life aligned with your values and finally build mutual, connected relationships without the need to pretend to be someone you're not. Let's Dive into Today's Episode.

Nadja Hagen [00:00:52]:
Welcome back my friend. I'm so glad you're here because today we are diving into something so important, something that affects so many of us, especially high achieving women who have spent their whole lives striving to be good, helpful and easy to be around. We are talking about people pleasing and not just in a surface level I have trouble saying no kind of way. We are talking about the deep hidden trauma behind people pleasing, why it happens, how it impacts our relationships, and most importantly, how to heal from it so that we can create self loving, balanced and fulfilling relationships. So in this episode we are going to cover the hidden roots of people pleasing trauma, why we feel compelled to put others first even when it rains us, healing strategies, practical ways to rewire our mindset and nervous system so you can stop people pleasing without the guilt.

Nadja Hagen [00:01:52]:
And how to rebuild self trust so that you can confidently set boundaries, express your needs and create relationships that honor you. If this resonates with you, stick with me.

Nadja Hagen [00:02:06]:
Now let me tell you something right off. The people pleasing is not just a habit. It's often a trauma response. It's something we develop when we've been conditioned to believe that our worth is tied to making others happy. And unless we unpack this, we end up living our lives constantly adjusting, suppressing and exhausting ourselves to keep other people comfortable at our own expense. But here's the good can unlearn this. You can heal. You can start prioritizing yourself without guilt, without fear, and without losing the relationships that truly matter.

Nadja Hagen [00:02:51]:
By the end of this episode, I want you to feel empowered, seen and supported. I want you to walk away with clarity and real steps you can take to stop over giving, over apologizing and over functioning in your relationships. So let's take a deep breath, grab your tea or coffee and let's get started. Before we can heal people pleasing, we have to understand where it comes from. Because trust me, this didn't just appear out of nowhere. People pleasing is often a survival Mechanism. Something we learn to do in order to feel safe, accepted and loved. So where does people pleasing start? Let's go back for a second.

Nadja Hagen [00:03:35]:
Think about your childhood. Were you constantly praised for being the good girl or easygoing one? Were you told not to make a fuss, not to be difficult, not to be selfish? Did you ever have a parent or caregiver who was emotionally unpredictable, so you learned to scan the room and adjust your behavior to keep things peaceful? Or maybe it wasn't childhood at all. Maybe it was a toxic relationship that made you believe that love had to be earned by being agreeable, by putting your own needs last, by never rocking the boat. I've spoken with so many of you who share these exact experiences. One listener told me how she grew up with a parent who would withdraw affection whenever she expressed her own opinions. Another shared how her ex partner would create dramatic conflicts whenever she prioritized her own needs to the point where she stopped having needs altogether. These aren't isolated experiences. This is a pattern that affects so many of us, especially women who were.

Nadja Hagen [00:04:41]:
Socialized from an early age to be the caretakers, the peacekeepers, the ones who smooth things over. If any of this is resonating, take a deep breath.

Nadja Hagen [00:04:51]:
You are not broken.

Nadja Hagen [00:04:53]:
You didn't choose this. This was a learned pattern. And like anything learned, it can be unlearned. So here is something really important that most people don't realize. People pleasing isn't just a mental habit. It's a nervous system response. For so many of us, saying no literally feels like danger. Our body reacts with anxiety, a racing heart, and even guilt.

Nadja Hagen [00:05:22]:
Not because we are doing something wrong, but because our nervous system has been wired to associate boundaries with rejection, conflict, or abandonment.

Nadja Hagen [00:05:32]:
Think about it this when we feel threatened, we have four basic fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Most of us know about the first three, but that fourth one, fawning. That's the people pleaser's default. It's that instinctive response where we abandon our own needs to make peace. Where we become whatever version of ourselves will keep us safe in that moment. And this is why just saying no more often isn't enough. We need to heal on a deeper level. So let's talk about that.

Nadja Hagen [00:06:10]:
How to Heal from People Pleasing Trauma the first step is to reconnect with your inner child. People pleasing often starts in childhood, so healing has to start there too. Your inner child is the part of you that first learned to put others first in order to be accepted, loved, or safe. I remember working with a client, let's call her Maja, who always felt responsible for her mother's emotions. As a little girl, she learned that when mom was upset, it was her job to make things better. This pattern followed her into adulthood, where she felt responsible for everyone's feelings and couldn't say no without intense guilt. Her healing journey began when she connected with that little girl inside who just wanted to be loved unconditionally. So I have a little exercise for you.

Nadja Hagen [00:07:01]:
Take a deep breath, close your eyes and if you're driving, don't close your eyes obviously and imagine yourself as a little kid, maybe five or six years old. Picture that younger version of you standing right in front of you. And now ask, what did I need to hear back then that I never heard? Maybe it's you don't have to be perfect to be loved. Your needs matter just as much as everyone else's. Or maybe it's you are safe to say what you feel. If you can write this down, repeat it to yourself. Every time guilt creeps in, remind I'm allowed to take care of me. This might feel uncomfortable at first.

Nadja Hagen [00:07:52]:
You might hear that inner critic saying, but that's selfish.

Nadja Hagen [00:07:56]:
Trust me, it's not.

Nadja Hagen [00:07:58]:
It's absolutely necessary.

Nadja Hagen [00:08:00]:
It's like they say in airplane safety, put on your own oxygen mask first. You cannot pour from an empty cup, so fill up your cup first and then give to others. Step number two is learn to regulate your nervous system.

Nadja Hagen [00:08:16]:
Like we talked about earlier, people pleasing isn't just a habit, it's a nervous system response. And this means that when we start setting boundaries, our body might panic. Here's how to work through can use breath work. Try the 448 method. Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 8. This tells your nervous system I am safe. You can also use other grounding techniques like press your feet into the floor, hold something cold like an ice cube, or notice five things you can see, four things you can touch, and three things you can hear. This brings you back into the present moment and calms down your nervous system instantly.

Nadja Hagen [00:09:09]:
These simple practices can make all the difference between reacting from fear and responding from empowerment. So a self soothing phrase could be something like it's safe for me to set boundaries or Taking care of myself is not selfish, it's necessary. Or it could be other people's reactions are not my responsibility. Say these sentences to yourself repeatedly over and over again when guilt or fear are showing up. Remember, healing isn't linear. You will have good days and challenging days. The key is consistency and compassion for yourself throughout the process. And you don't have to give your.

Nadja Hagen [00:09:55]:
Absolute maximum and best every single day. Sometimes you give the only thing that.

Nadja Hagen [00:10:01]:
You have to give in as little.

Nadja Hagen [00:10:04]:
Capacity as it is there today. And that's absolutely okay.

Nadja Hagen [00:10:07]:
And that is absolutely consistent.

Nadja Hagen [00:10:10]:
Step number three is practicing micro boundaries.

Nadja Hagen [00:10:15]:
When you've been a people pleaser for years, the idea of setting major boundaries can feel overwhelming. And that's why I recommend starting with micro boundaries. So these are small moments of choosing yourself that build your confidence muscle. This is something like taking an extra five minutes to the bathroom just to breathe when you need space. Or saying I need to think about that and get back to you instead of automatically saying yes, and this one is mighty powerful. Believe me, that was my starting point and it changed things tremendously for the better for me. Or it could also be expressing a different opinion in a low stakes situation. One of my clients shared how she started with just not answering work emails after 7pm it was a small boundary, but it helped her reclaim her evenings and showed her that the world doesn't fall apart when she prioritizes herself.

Nadja Hagen [00:11:14]:
These small steps create ripples of change that eventually transform your entire life. So how do you rebuild self trust and confidence? Because at the core of people pleasing, there is a lack of self trust. We've been trained to believe that our own feelings and needs aren't valued. So we second guess ourselves, doubt our worth and let others dictate our choices. But healing means learning to trust yourself again. So the first step here is listen to your own voice. For so long you've been prioritizing what others want. It's time to start listening to you before making a decision.

Nadja Hagen [00:11:57]:
Pause. And what do I actually want? If your gut reaction is I don't know, sit with it. Give yourself permission to explore your truth. This also might feel uncomfortable at first. You might feel selfish or uncertain. And that's normal. Completely normal. You are developing a new skill, the skill of knowing and honoring your own desires.

Nadja Hagen [00:12:24]:
And that takes time and practice. So the next step is to celebrate your boundaries. Every time you honor yourself by setting a boundary, celebrate it. This is huge. This is you reclaiming your power. Keep a journal where you document these moments.

Nadja Hagen [00:12:41]:
When you said no to something that didn't serve you.

Nadja Hagen [00:12:44]:
When you expressed a need clearly, when.

Nadja Hagen [00:12:47]:
You honored your time and energy.

Nadja Hagen [00:12:49]:
These aren't just random moments. They are evidence that you are healing.

Nadja Hagen [00:12:54]:
Growing and rebuilding your relationship with yourself.

Nadja Hagen [00:12:59]:
And surround yourself with support.

Nadja Hagen [00:13:01]:
Healing from people pleasing is so much easier when you have the right support system. And this might mean finding friends who respect your boundaries or working with a coach who specializes in trauma and codependency like me. If you want to learn more about working with me, visit nadjahagen.com you will find all the information there.

Nadja Hagen [00:13:22]:
Or it could also mean joining a.

Nadja Hagen [00:13:23]:
Support group of others on the same journey. If you're interested in this, I have a free Facebook community, the Self Love and Boundaries Mastery Group. You can join this and share your journeys with women who are on the same path as you. I will put the link in the show Notes.

Nadja Hagen [00:13:43]:
The people who get angry at your boundaries are usually the ones who benefited from you not having any and their reaction is not a sign that you are doing something wrong. It's often confirmation that you are finally doing something right. So alright my friend, that was a lot. Let's recap what we covered in today's episode. People pleasing is not your fault. It's a learned survival response and healing starts with awareness, inner child work and nervous system regulation and you can set boundaries without losing love. You will actually create deeper, healthier and more meaningful relationships. The journey from people pleasing to authentic living isn't always easy, but I promise you this.

Nadja Hagen [00:14:29]:
On the other side is a version of you who feels lighter, freer, more alive, and so much more powerful. A you who knows that your worth is innate, not tied to what you do for others, but simply in who you are and always have been. You are not responsible for keeping everyone happy. You are allowed to take up space and you are enough just as you are. If you loved this episode, screenshot it, share it on Instagram and tag meadahagen and if you want to go deeper, check out my coaching programs@nadyahagen.com coach coaching. I talk to you in the next episode and until next time, take care of you.

Nadja Hagen [00:15:16]:
Thank you for tuning into today's episode. If you're ready to dive deeper into setting boundaries, knowing exactly when and how to communicate them so they stick, I've got something for you. Head over to natjahagen.com boundaries checklist and grab your free eight steps to healthy Boundaries checklist for high achieving women so you feel confident in every interaction. This is my thank you for listening and a way to keep supporting you beyond the self Love sessions. I can't wait to chat again in the next episode.